If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
If everything seems to be going well, you
have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor
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What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
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What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
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What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
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How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
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Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
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What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
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Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery
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What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
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Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't
find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
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What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.